+- MNScuba.com (http://www.mnscuba.com/forum)
+--- Thread: Jokes (/showthread.php?tid=456)
Jokes - Punky - 02-21-2003
Hi, How are you...
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly:
"Doing just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say :
"Uhhh, I'm Just like you trying to get through the
day!". (At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.)
Can I come over to your place after while?
Ok, This question is just wacky but I figured I could be just polite and end the conversation. I tell him,
"Well I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously ...
"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
Re:Jokes - Punky - 02-22-2003
> > > A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
> > > The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
> > > He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
> > > She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
> > > She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
> > > He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers ... cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper."
> > >
> > > "So....I figure if I have to roll my own .. so does she ..."
Re:Jokes - Punky - 02-23-2003
Before coming down to the breakfast cave every morning, Osama bin Laden would look into his magical mirror and ask, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the biggest ass of
them all?"
The mirror would reply, "You are Osama".
That would make his day and he would arrive at the breakfast cave with a huge smile on his face, before indulging in his goat's milk and dried cowpat cereal.
Not a day went by when he wouldn't ask the mirror,
and every day the mirror would confirm his question.
Yes, he was in fact, the biggest ass of them all.
One day, Osama arrived at the breakfast table with a huge scowl on his face, and he was obviously very upset.
One of his eleven wives summed up the courage to ask him, "What's wrong Osama?"
> > > >> >>> > > >
> Osama replied, "WHO THE HELL IS RANDY MOSS?"
Re:Jokes - tbrown - 02-23-2003
Punky- Randy Moss joke was OUTSTANDING! I'll be laughing at that for days.
Re:Jokes - Punky - 02-24-2003
Getting the Axe
----------------
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, God appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has
fallen into water. God went down into the water and reappeared with a
golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."
God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"
God asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
God asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him three axes to keep,
and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the
woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, God appeared
and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water."
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" God asked. "Yes," replied the woodcutter.
God was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth," God scolded.
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will
come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You
will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all
three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be
able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' this
time."
Re:Jokes - Punky - 02-28-2003
>For all of you who have or have had small children... we can relate!
And the rest of us can just laugh till we pee!
>My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.
>
>One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
>While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I
>didn't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Matt are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied.
>I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo.... I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"
>
>Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled....
>"See, Mom, It's Just Farts!!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food
as if nothing had happened. I was mortified!
>
>Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said,
"Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time..
I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."
Re:Jokes - Punky - 03-03-2003
Caught for speeding
-------------------
The cop got out of his car and the kid he had stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
Stuck under a bridge
--------------------
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop
gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
Re:Jokes - Punky - 03-04-2003
Subject: Elaborate Funeral
> > A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
> > inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
> > At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral --I'm a gynecologist."
> > At that point, the proctologist fainted.
Re:Jokes - Punky - 03-05-2003
In Jerusalem
-------------
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family
including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's
mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the Australian
Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Australia
for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George
that the sending of a body back to Australia for burial is very, very
expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in
most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to
bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00."
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will
cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your
mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years
ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he
arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Re:Jokes - Punky - 03-07-2003
Colonoscopies :
A Gastroentologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies...
"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there! yet?"
And the best one (so far):
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there ".