Jokes

[Punky]

: MINNESOTA VIKINGS
> > >
> > > Q. What's the difference between the Vikings & the Taliban?
> > > A. The Taliban has a running game
> > >
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. How do the Vikings count to 10?
> > > A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. What do the Vikings & Billy Graham have in common?
> > > A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up & yell "Jesus Christ!"
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. How do you keep a Viking out of your yard?
> > > A. Put up goal posts
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. Where do you go in MINNEAPOLIS in case of a tornado?
> > > A. To the Metrodome - they never get a touchdown there!
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. What do you call a Viking with a SuperBowl ring?
> > > A. A thief
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. Why was Dennis Green upset when the Viking playbook was stolen?

> > > A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. What's the difference between RANDY MOSS and a dollar bill?
> > > A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. How many Vikings does it take to win a Superbowl?
> > > A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the SuperBowl?
> > > A. The MINNESOTA VIKINGS
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. What do the Vikings and opossums have in common?
> > > A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road
> > > > > > >
> > > Q. How can you tell when the Vikings are going to run the football?
> > > A. The back leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.
> > >

[Punky]

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
>
>One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I
>and every husband on the planet dreads.
She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

>The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.

>And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.

I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

>I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank.
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this
>stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to
>kill me, I added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
>
>
>I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw

[Punky]

> > > >A Packer Fan is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants,
>bread,
> > > >butter & jam, when a Viking Fan, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
>The
> > > >Packer Fan ignores the Viking Fan, who, nevertheless, starts a
> > > >conversation.
> > > >
> > > >VIKING FAN - "You Packer folk eat the whole bread?"
> > > >
> > > >PACKER FAN - "Of course!"
> > > >
> > > >VIKING FAN - (after blowing a large bubble) "We don't. In Minnesota,
>we
> > > >only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle
>it,
> > > >transform them into croissants and sell them to Wisconsin."
> > > >
> > > >The Viking Fan has a smirk on his face. The Packer Fan listens in
> > > >silence. The Viking Fan persists. "Do you eat jelly with the bread?"
> > > >
> > > >PACKER FAN - "Of course!"
> > > >
> > > >VIKING FAN - (cracking his gum between his teeth & chuckling) "We
>don't.
> > > >In Minnesota we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
>peels,
> > > >seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
>jam
> > > >and jelly and sell it to Wisconsin."
> > > >
> > > >The Packer Fan then asks, "Do you have sex in Minnesota?"
> > > >
> > > >VIKING FAN - "Why of course we do", he says with a smirk.
> > > >
> > > >PACKER FAN - "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
>them?"
> > > >
> > > >VIKING FAN - "We throw them away, of course?"
> > > >
> > > >PACKER FAN - "We don't. In Wisconsin, we put them in a container,
>recycle
> > > >them,
> > > >melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Minnesota."

[Punky]

Strange but true... 2001 Darwin Awards...
>
>It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are
>given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who
>through
>single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable
>elements from the human gene pool.
>
>
>5th RUNNER-UP
>
>Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at
>the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
>The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth
>Hospital.
>The accident occurred about 3a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department
>said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump
>Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt.Mike
>Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
>protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to
>slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
>investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad
>removed.
>
>
>4th RUNNER-UP
>
>Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
>market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
>dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found
>him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six- inch
>wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
>
>
>3rd RUNNER-UP
>
>Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
>on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
>
>
>2nd RUNNER-UP
>
>"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably
>related
>to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to
>replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth
>and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and
>tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank
>during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man
>had
>it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." It
>wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put
>it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and
>tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday
>with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston
>Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
>that," Payne said.
>
>
>1st RUNNER-UP
>
>Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the
>skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon
>from
>the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an
>initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably
>known
>now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend
>tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's
>right
>eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a
>major
>blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly
>Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland
>said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding
>at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
>vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out
>on
>his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards
>that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I
>feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine
>County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under
>investigation.
>
>
>
>Now... THIS YEAR'S WINNER.
>
>The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
>great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
>the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18
>beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
>foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over
>the
>fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than
>Mr.
>Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately
>for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of
>the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a
>tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a
>large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a
>broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly
>figuring
>the bushes would break hi fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded
>to
>cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr.
>Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE
>body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch
>penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife
>penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain
>and agony, threw him a rope to pull him up by tying the rope to the pickup
>truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put
>the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend
>and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver
>thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
>injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked,
>scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh,
>and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
>
>Congratulations, gentlemen, you win...

[Punky]

> > Subject: FW: Fw: news anchor > > > > > >
> I don't know if this is true or not, however, here it is...... > > > > >This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. > > > > > > > > > > What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... > > ... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" > > > > > > >
> > > Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too since they were laughing so hard!

[Punky]

>Ten Dollars is Ten Dollars
>
>Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every
>year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And
>every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten
>dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
>
>One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna,
>I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get
>another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten
>dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
>
>The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
>deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
>entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one
>word it's ten dollars."
>
>Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of
>twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his
>tricks over again, but still not a word.
>
>They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did
>everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred
>replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten
>dollars is ten dollars."

[igotoofar]

Ha Ha Ha HAA Ha Ha Ha HAA Ha Ha Ha HAA Ha Ha Ha HAA Ha Ha Ha HAA

[freedivernd]

I thought that was Oley and Lena

[Punky]

Mirror, Mirror
--------------

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror.

But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you
disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and
decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.

"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.

"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.

"I think--"

"POOF!"

[Punky]

"Doc," says Leo, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long
time and I want to have it done" replies Leo.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the
doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's
done, there's no going back. It will change your life
forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my
mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll
simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my
better judgment!"

So Leo has his operation, and the next day he is up
and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital
corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is
another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Leo,"It looks as if you've just had
the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37
years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Leo stared at him in horror and screamed, "SHIT!
THAT'S the word!