Jokes

[Punky]

Labor Day Humor !


An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor.

The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: floors, sweeping, and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means
that you virtually don't exist and can therefore
hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25-pound flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100 percent profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of
pickup trucks and manages a staff of 100 formerly
unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned,
"What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at
Microsoft!"

Moral of this story!

1. The Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

[Punky]

>A rather suave Army Sergeant in his greens walks into a local club bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

She looks at his uniform, sees the green beret, the bloused
jump boots, the Master Blaster wings, Dive Badge, Military Free Fall Badge, Ranger Tab, SF Tab, etc, and is clearly impressed by this hunk of superb manhood.

He gives her a quick glance and half smile, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies. "I'm only in town for tonight and don't have a date. I was just issued this state-of-the-art watch, and I was testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," he explains.

"Oh really? What's it telling you now," she inquires.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The Sergeant starts tapping on the watch face and says
"Darn thing must be an hour fast."

[Al]

The Loan Groan- Very Punny

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

( a masterpiece)

(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...


"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you?)
:

[Punky]

True Wisconsin State Patrol stories!
>
>
>Good Better Best
>
>Good :
>Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".
>
>The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
>
>
>BETTER
>A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
>
>The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>
>
>BEST
>A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
>"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.
>
>"He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."
>
>There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
>She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Punky]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said," Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,"Lord have mercy,
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Punky]

ALL MY LOVE


I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU...

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU
Now get your mind out of the gutter..............
GO GET YOUR FLU SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!