Jokes

[Punky]

> Never under estimate the little old Lady.....

> >A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
>After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
>The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
>The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
>The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
>The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me
tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
>That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
>The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
>The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.
> The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
>"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." >Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
> She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of
Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[Punky]

>Sex in the dark:
>
>There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
>So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated dildo. She got completely upset.
>"You impotent #&*@~!," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
>
>The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

[Punky]

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come
in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl
was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor
leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "Whatare
you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Punky]

YOU ARE A LUCKY WINNER!

FREE 3 DAYS 2 NIGHTS AT HOTEL BAGHDAD, IRAQ. FREE FIREWORKS & AIR SHOW INCLUDED ;D

[Punky]

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue
getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are
ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste....."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really
a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small,
the service is surly and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
> >
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-- it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and
explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
" Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few
words to me."
"Oh, really?" ...."What'd he say?"
> >
> > He said, "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?

[Punky]

This married couple was on holiday in India.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

>From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.

The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man,
"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband thought, they looked safe enough so after some badgering from his wife, he finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.

The Indian then began wildly screaming,
"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[Punky]

Nervous
-------
In the courtroom where I worked as a court reporter, a dentist was called as a witness.

He took the oath a few feet from my desk, and I noticed his arm was trembling, apparently from nervousness.

After he finished, I couldn't resist saying softly,
"Sit down, Doctor. This won't hurt a bit."

--------------
Nervous flyers

I am a very nervous flyer.

During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my
connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering.

I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she
said.

Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said,
"Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

[freedivernd]

Did you hear about the Norwegian who could count to 10?
No?
Would you believe FIVE? ;D

[freedivernd]

The Norwegian was so proud of the Gold Medal he had won at the Olymipcs he had it Bronzed! ???

[Punky]

Qualified
---------

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horseproduces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"