Jokes

[Punky]

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard "I'm going to report you!"

"But everyone pees in! the pool" said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard "but not from the diving board!"

[Punky]

> They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.
> The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy vowed that someday he would push that outhouse into
the creek.
> One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen. The little boy decided today was that day.
> So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
> That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
> Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why, and his father replied,
> "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
> It was you, wasn't it, son?"
> The boy answered yes.
> Then he thought a moment and said,
> "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

> "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"

[Punky]

What makes a happy man?

Daughter on cover of Society.
Son on cover of Sports Illus.
Mistress on cover of Playboy
Wife on cover of "missing persons"
----------------------

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.

I thought the results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big.

10% of women think their ass is too little.

The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway

[Punky]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

[Punky]

At 2 a.m.
---------

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and started walking home.

As he reeled along the roadway, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

[Punky]

The ride
--------

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behaviour to the priest.
"I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

[Punky]

TO BE TEN AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be ten again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened. "You loveable idiot, I meant my dress size."

[Punky]

We have been informed that the Arabs
> do not like to be called "Towel Heads."
>
> The item they wear on their heads
> is actually a small sheet.
>
> Therefore, from this point forward,
> please refer to them as "sheet heads."

[Punky]

Doctor Steve had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty
all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring
voice that said: "Steve, don't worry about it. You aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably the another voice would bring him back to
reality, whispering..............

"Steve, you're a veterinarian..."

[Punky]

> THE GOOD NAPKINS!!!!!
>
> My mother taught me to read when I was four years old
> (her first mistake).
>
> One day,I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the
> cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.
>
> I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins'
> in the bathroom.
>
> Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
>
> Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she
> told me that those were for "special occasions" (her
> second mistake).
>
> Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving
> Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and
> his wife for dinner... Mom had assignments for all of
> us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
>
> When they returned, my uncle came in first and
> immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife
> who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my
> father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who
> almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place
> setting on the table with a ... "special occasion"
> napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged
> on top.
>
> My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my
> response sent the other adults into further fits of
> laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special
> occasions!!!"